Foundations of the 1-2-3 Magic Approach to Parenting

Would you like to improve your relationship with your children? The book, 1-2-3 Magic by Dr. Thomas Phelan, suggests 4 ways to do just that. These approaches can be implemented when your children are quite young and have lasting effects that will help during their teen years. As a mental health therapist, I can tell you that these approaches work. As the mom of a two-and-a half-year old girl, I also can tell you that none of us gets them right all of the time, and that’s okay.

Let’s start with sympathetic listening. This is a commitment to finding out what your child is thinking and feeling. It shows your child you are paying attention to what they are sharing and that you see their emotions as valid. Through sympathetic listening you ask nonjudgmental questions, reflect your child’s feelings and paraphrase or summarize. All of these are opportunities to make sure you “get” what your child is thinking and feeling. And, if you aren’t, try again, showing your child you care and want to understand. As a parent, it’s natural to want to quickly “fix” whatever problem your child is experiencing. But, if you jump to a solution, you can miss the opportunity to validate what your child is feeling and to teach them that experiencing emotions is healthy which, later on, will be important to learning to regulate those emotions.

Next is not overparenting which is knowing when to let your child think for themselves. It’s avoiding unnecessary, corrective, cautionary or disciplinary comments which can make a child feel unsure, apprehensive and aggravated. This is one I have had to actively work on. My daughter and I attend Bizzy Bees, an open gym at the Neighborhood Club where there are a lot of children. My natural inclination is to be within an arm’s length of her at all times so if a conflict arises between her and another child, I can intervene. But, as Dr. Phelan explains, the message I am sending isn’t, “I’m here to help if you need it,” instead it’s, “There’s not much you can do on your own without my close supervision and direction”. So, I’ve been trying to back away a little, even sit on the bleachers toward the side of the room sometimes. I tell my daughter where I am, so she knows where to find me if she needs my support. Unless things become physical and she or someone she’s interacting with is not safe, I give her space. If she’s not sharing and other children don’t want to play with her, that feedback changes her behavior much quicker than if I tell her she needs to share. By not overparenting, I am giving her the opportunity to manage situations on her own, to think for herself and make her own decisions, all skills vital to her development.

The third technique is one-on-one fun. A lot of bonding with your child happens when you’re having fun together. My daughter thinks it’s funny to have me chase her around like a monster to put her shirt on. When we’ve got the time to spare, I do it. We sing loudly together in the car. We take advantage of nice weather days and try different parks whenever we can. For all of us, much of our day-to-day consists of being on the go—getting up, dressed and ready for the day; going to after-school activities; making dinner, eating and cleaning up; preparing for bed. And, doing it all over again the next day. Building and maintaining structure is important, and there are times when you have to be out the door in 5 minutes or winding down from the day has to happen. Since being more intentional about having one-on-one fun, I’ve noticed that my daughter pushes back less when we don’t have time for it. And, as Dr. Phelan says, for children to respond positively to your discipline, they should enjoy and like you. So, as a colleague of mine advised, when you can have fun, do it!

The last technique is solving problems together. As the author says, when your child is very young, your parenting style is a benevolent dictatorship. You make most of the decisions, you are the judge and jury, and you are gentle and kind. You decide what they have for dinner and whether or not they are at preschool. Gradually, your household should become almost, but not quite, a democracy. This means your adolescent child, over time, becoming more independent and having more to say about the rules and policies that affect them. Solving problems together helps with this, and Phelan suggests scheduling regular family meetings for this. These are opportunities to teach each family member to listen to every other member, to share their thoughts, and to work together to come up with solutions that involve compromise. Additionally, knowing there is a regularly-scheduled meeting to address problems lessens anxiety and calms the nervous system. When a family member knows issues are going to be addressed, they are less likely to bring them up sporadically or aggressively. While an 8-year old may struggle to wait, it will improve over time. The author suggests starting family meetings when your child is in first grade.

I have seen the benefits sympathetic listening, not overparenting, having one-on-one fun and problem solving together can have on relationships between parents and their children both professionally and personally. They do take time and imagining the time they could take can feel very overwhelming. But, if these techniques resonate with you, I encourage you to focus on just one over the next month and see how it changes your relationship with your child. When you’re feeling good about that one, try another one. I think you’ll find that the short- and long-term gains are worth the investment. Building new habits now will absolutely help during the teenage years, when your adolescent is saying less and you’re desperate to connect with them.

Kaitlin Arnold, LPC is the founder and therapist at Finding Your Balance Therapy. She helps individuals and families dealing with depression, anxiety, other mental health issues, and stressors from life challenges to develop positive coping skills, navigate and gain confidence in dealing with stressful situations, and improve their relationships.