Recommended Reading

Fourteen Talks By Age Fourteen

By Michelle Icard

Distilling Michelle Icard’s decades of experience working
with families, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen focuses on big,
thorny topics such as friendship, impulsivity, and technology,
as well as conversations about creativity, hygiene, money,
and contributing to the family. Icard outlines a simple,
memorable, and family-tested formula for the best approach
to these essential talks. With wit and compassion, she also
helps you get over the most common hurdles in talking
to tweens.

These fourteen essential conversations to have with your
tween and early teenager will help prepare them for the
emotional, physical, and social challenges ahead, including
scripts and advice to keep the communication going and
stay connected during this critical developmental window.

Facilitator Notes

Coming Soon

Questions

• Coming Soon

Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

By Dr. Becky Kennedy

Kennedy, known as Instagram’s Dr. Becky, is a clinical psychologist with a private practice dedicated to resolving parenting challenges. She advocates for a connection–rather than consequence–model of parenting centered around viewing a child as “good inside.”  In this book, she lays out 10 parenting principles, identifies strategies for increasing closeness in the parent-child relationship, and addresses common parenting woes including potty-training battles, eating habits, separation anxiety, and sibling rivalry.

Facilitator Notes

Coming soon!

Man’s Search for Meaning

By Viktor Frankl

Named one of the ten most influential books in America by the Library of Congress, Viktor Frankl’s riveting account of his time in the Nazi concentration camps, and his insightful exploration of the human will to find meaning in spite of the worst adversity, has offered solace and guidance to generations of readers since it was first published in 1946. At the heart of Frankl’s theory of logotherapy (from the Greek word for “meaning”) is a conviction that the primary human drive is not pleasure, as Freud maintained, but rather the discovery and pursuit of what the individual finds meaningful. Today, as new generations face new challenges and an ever more complex and uncertain world, Frankl’s classic work continues to inspire us all to find significance in the very act of living, in spite of all obstacles.

Facilitator Notes

This transformative book about survival and resilience from a World War II concentration camp was The Family Center’s first book club selection. Twenty-seven participants gathered at the Whiskey Six conference room to discuss the themes and the contemporary connections.

Victor Frankl (1905-1997) was a psychiatrist, neurologist, and Holocaust survivor. Between 1942-1945 he labored in four different concentration camps, including Auschwitz. His parents, brother, and wife died in the camps. Although he had started to formulate what eventually became Man’s Search for Meaning prior to his imprisonment, he wrote the final draft in nine days upon his liberation from the Turkheim camp. First published in 1946, it was translated into English in 1959. At the time of Frankl’s death in 1997, it had been translated into 24 languages and had sold over twelve million copies. It has been named one of the ten most influential books by the Library of Congress.

Three central themes were identified and discussed with participants: Survival, Meaning and Transformation. Survival: The group put themselves in the existential situation in which Frankl found himself. Detainees gathered in equally naked condition…everyone stripped of everything (no possessions, no social status, no credentials, no identity other than their number and in many cases no family members as so many were immediately culled if deemed too weak or incapable of work). Over 80% of Frankl’s group perished. What were the traits that foretold survival in such stark conditions? Hope or loss of hope seemed to the group central to the possibility of survival in that so many lost hope and inevitably perished. Meaning: The book posited a maxim from Nietzsche: “He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.” For Frankl, the “why” that provided the resilience to bear any deprivation was twofold. He had an unshakeable will to be with his wife again. He also dreamed about teaching the psychology of the concentration camp at his university. The former allowed him to see his spouse in everything (e.g., a bird). The latter allowed him to detach from his condition and keenly observe the experience as a witness. Both imbued him with a relentless resilience. From this theme the group identified various meanings they find that allow them to cultivate resilience. Transformation: “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” Frankl emphasized that suffering is not necessary for finding meaning, only that meaning can be found even in great suffering. Meaning gives one endurance and can reduce the pain of suffering.

Questions

• Reflect on how the pandemic suffering has revealed a range of responses from strong self-preservation to a protective herd instinct. Can you consider instances within yourself or others where people acted upon the quieter voice for herd protection in the face of the screams for self-preservation?
• Frankl wrote in a 3rd person narrative as an observer, almost as a journalist covering the camps. Do you think this strategy, maintaining some emotional distance, helped him not to embrace suffering? Or, was Frankl bearing witness as a way of drawing inspiration from others as a recognition that life can change?

Recommended Books on Grief Work

Healing After Loss by Martha Hickman

Daily Meditations for Working through Grief

Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief by David Kessler

Reflections on the need to find purpose informed by the death of his son and the author’s grief journey

Moving On Doesn’t Mean Letting Go by Gina Morra

Navigating the inner and outer journey of grief with the outcome of finding means of taking the relationship to your loved one forward

It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok by Megan Devine

Creating boundaries while Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture that Doesn’t Understand

Life After Loss by Bob Deits

A practical guide to renewing your life after experiencing major loss

Bearing the Unbearable by Joanne Cacciatore

Assimilation of a traumatic loss with the heartbreaking but ultimately resilient path of grief

The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller

Acceptance and the Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief

Notes on Grief by Chimanda Ngozi Adichie

Wisdom from the experience of the author mourning her father

The Grief Deck: Rituals, Meditations and Tools for Moving Through Loss by Adriene Jenik

Thoughtful prompts, simple activities, richly textured artwork, and grounding resources for coping with loss.

The Gifts of Imperfection

By Brené Brown

Brené Brown, PhD, MSW is a gifted mapmaker and a fellow traveler. She is both a social scientist and a kitchen-table friend whom you can always count on to tell the truth, make you laugh, and, on occasion, cry with you. The Gifts of Imperfection, which has sold more than two million copies, transforms words on a page to effective daily practices in the form of ten guideposts to wholehearted living. The guideposts not only help us understand the practices that will allow us to change our lives and families, they also walk us through the unattainable and sabotaging expectations that get in the way.

Facilitator Notes

Coming soon!

The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness

By Robert Waldinger, MD and Marc Schulz, PhD

What makes a life fulfilling and meaningful? The simple but surprising answer is: relationships. The stronger our relationships, the more likely we are to live happy, satisfying, and healthier lives. In fact, the Harvard Study of Adult Development reveals that the strength of our connections with others can predict the health of both our bodies and our brains as we go through life.

The invaluable insights in this book emerge from the revealing personal stories of hundreds of participants in the Harvard Study as they were followed year after year for their entire adult lives, and this wisdom was bolstered by research findings from many other studies. Relationships in all their forms—friendships, romantic partnerships, families, coworkers, tennis partners, book club members, religious study groups—all contribute to a happier, healthier life. And as The Good Life shows us, it’s never too late to strengthen the relationships you already have, and never too late to build new ones. The Good Life provides examples of how to do this.

Facilitator Notes

Human beings are social creatures; in essence this simply means that each of us as individuals cannot provide everything we need for ourselves. The process of giving and receiving in mutually-beneficial relationships is the foundation of a meaningful, happy life.

Here is an exercise that will help you make meaning of your own “social universe.” The table below is arranged around what the Harvard Study of Adult Development considers keystones of support.

The first column is to identify the relationships you think have the greatest impact on you. Place a plus (+) symbol in the appropriate columns to the right if a relationship seems to add to that type of support in your life, and a minus (-) symbol if a relationship lacks that type of support.

Remember: it’s okay if not all (or even most) relationships offer you all of these types of support.

Understanding the keystones of support: 

• Safety and Security: Who would you turn to in a moment of crisis?
• Learning and Growth: Who encourages you to try new things, take chances, or pursue your life’s goals?
• Emotional Closeness and Confiding: Who knows everything (or most things) about you? Who can you turn to for support when you are stressed?
• Identity Affirmation and Shared Experience: Is there someone in your life who has shared many experiences with you and who helps strengthen your sense of self?
• Romantic Intimacy: Do you feel satisfied with the amount of romantic connection in your life?
• Help: Who do you turn to if you need expertise or help solving a practical problem?
• Fun and Relaxation: Who makes you laugh? Who makes you feel relaxed, connected and at ease?

Sources of Support in My Life

After you’ve completed the chart, here are some questions to consider and reflect on:

1. If you’re feeling a certain dissatisfaction in your life, do any of the gaps on the chart resonate with that feeling?
2. Are there columns that have a lot of pluses (or minuses)? What does this tell you?
3. Do you notice any surprises in how you responded to these questions?

For more info:

• “The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness” by Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz (Simon & Schuster), in Hardcover, eBook and Audio formats
• Harvard Study of Adult Development

Thrivers: Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine

By Michele Borba, Ed.D.

THRIVERS is an insightful, science-backed guide that helps parents and educators teach the essential character strengths kids need to become “thrivers” — young people who flourish in a rapidly changing, digitally-driven, and uncertain world.

Facilitator Notes

Today’s children and youth are smarter and more creative than ever before. Much of that is due to the digital era that has allowed them to connect with people and share information all over the world at breakneck speed. At the same time our children are being driven to STRIVE to higher-than-usual achievements, to be more mature than should be expected at their age, and to succeed at all costs. But the cost is their own happiness. Today’s children are more likely to have depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.

Thrivers are different: they flourish in our fast-paced, digital-driven, often uncertain world. Why? Dr. Borba combed scientific studies on resilience, spoke to dozens of researchers and experts in the field, and interviewed countless young people from all walks of life, and she found something surprising: the difference between those who struggle and those who succeed comes down not to grades or test scores but to seven character traits that set Thrivers apart – and set them up for happiness and greater accomplishment later in life.

These traits–confidence, empathy, self-control, integrity, curiosity, perseverance, and optimism–allow kids to roll with the punches and succeed in life. And the even better news: these traits can be taught to children at any age…let us rephrase that to say it is imperative that we teach these skills to our children.

If you have not had the opportunity to read the book already, we encourage you to read it, as it is chock full of practical, actionable ways to develop these traits in children from preschool through high school, showing us how to teach kids how to cope today so they can thrive tomorrow.

Questions

The book describes seven Character Strengths essential to achieve peak performance and thrive.

• Which trait do you feel is most essential for children today?
• Which do you consider most difficult to nuture?
• Which trait to you emphasize most in your family? Least?
• Which would you like to emphasize more?
• What would you do to help your child acquire the virtue?
• If you were to rank the seven Character Strengths by importance to children’s abilities to thrive, what would your list be? Why?