I'm getting pressure from family during the holiday planning. How can I set boundaries appropriately?

A: Managing our needs with others’ expectations can be challenging, especially during important times like holidays. People have a vision for how life should go, and often when others don’t concur, conflict and hurt feelings ensue.

In harmonious relationships, all parties agree on the rules. The problem is often that we don’t agree – on what should transpire, but also what it means to be free, controlling, safe, rude, loyal, loving or appropriate. If communication is compromised, it may be difficult to get everyone’s needs met.

People set boundaries depending on factors like cultural expectations, family habits or even personal preferences. The challenge grows when there are conflicting needs, worldviews that differ or poor communication.

Improving communication is your best bet to setting boundaries gracefully. Present your truth and expectations candidly but kindly, with a smile and pleasant voice. Tone and body language cannot always be conveyed in writing, but in volatile situations this may be helpful because you can think of exactly what you want to say (and how) and since it’s in writing it can help avoid misunderstandings.

Some people will find it unthinkable that you set boundaries with them – many reasons will have nothing to do with you. Some people are used to getting their way or don’t understand your needs or perspective. If your loved ones rant and react you don’t have to acquiesce. This is often a bullying tactic. You cannot control them, only yourself. In response, be present positively without ranting, name-calling, swearing or threatening. State your needs with ways you are willing and able to compromise and ways you are not. If you feel emotionally charged, pause until you can act instead of react.

Mary Petersen, L.M.S.W., A.C.S.W., is a Psychotherapist in private practice and is a member of The Family Center’s Association of Professionals. For more information, please visit her website www.marypetersen.com.