What empowers men to be renewed in their worthiness, social connections, mental health, resourcefulness? It’s such a good question: how mature men thrive. Do we ever really query about how men engage self-growth, change, transformation?

Father Richard Rohr, the Franciscan writer, offers this thoughtful quote: “And I know that seems damning, but the male just can’t handle power unless he’s somehow touched upon vulnerability, powerlessness….Vulnerability transforms you.” What Rohr means is that men often grow deepest to the extent that they recognize what they can lose.

Boys know this intuitively: to lose a championship game, say, in sports, catalyzes the will to perform better in boy culture. Likewise, when a man allows himself to see what can be lost to him through negligence, through apathy, through indifference, he is then often inspired to protect his gains – especially those gains that bring him hope and fulfillment. And when we men open our hearts to vulnerable, connective experiences with those we love – be it our siblings, spouses, children, friends – we do so much better. Why? When a man recognizes the immediate value of shared power – ie, teamwork and mutual influence in a relationship – he is better inspired to grow deeper into self love, self respect, and generosity toward others.

Here’s a tip: ask a man what he holds honorable and worthy of protection and love; this question opens a window into his deeper values. It empowers a man’s vulnerable journey into deeper heartfelt love. Men who renew themselves with this question, always grow.

Ken Meisel is a marriage & family therapist.