Parenting young children can be challenging. Although most of their aggravating behaviors are a normal part of development, they can be very difficult for parents to navigate on a daily basis. In the book 1-2-3 Magic, Dr. Thomas W. Phelan presents many tools and advice for effective parenting. I recommend reading the whole book before using any of the techniques, as it really helps parents get the big picture of the scope of their parental responsibility.

From years of experience and long-term studies of different styles of parenting, we know that the most effective parenting combines warmth and connection with high discipline and structure. The book leads parents into developing this style and is divided into three categories: stop behaviors, start behaviors, and good connection.

Stop behaviors are socially unacceptable ways of dealing with emotions like hitting, biting, whining, screaming and breaking things. These behaviors are the ones that get counted with a “that’s 1”, then pause , “that is two” followed by a pause and then “ that is 3…time for a break.” The authors suggest a variation of a traditional timeout, allowing the child time for the wave of emotion to come down and to learn more effective problem solving. There is no lecturing, shaming or parental anger. You must remain calm. He also suggests many alternatives to implement this when you are away from home or if the child has severe separation anxiety.

The second section discusses start behaviors – getting our children to do the things they don’t want to do like getting ready for school, chores, studying or taking care of pets. Completely different approaches are necessary for encouraging children to do these behaviors and teach them good habits. Counting does not work for these behaviors and he offers many ideas you can try with your own children and see what works for your family.

The third part is just as important as the other two because without good connection, coaching and teaching does not come across as loving. Focusing on each child individually without the distraction of phone or siblings for small amounts of time can improve your relationship. The author shares many strategies and scenarios for building individual connections with your child/ren.

This book is an excellent resource for parents who feel overwhelmed by their children’s difficult behaviors and are looking for tools to bring some peace to their homes.

Dr. Renee Catrambone trained at University of Chicago Children’s Hospital and has been in pediatric practice for 25 years. She has a special interest in child mental health and emotional growth. She currently sees patients at Cornerstone Pediatrics.