Decades of research teach us that fostering children’s sense of self through compassion and respect will lead to children who are high on empathy and drive, who grow up to be adults with healthy and meaningful relationships and lower rates of mental health problems. As a parent or caregiver, you can celebrate the child you have AND still set healthy boundaries and be firm. What we know for sure is when parents engage often in the below practices, children’s self-esteem improves, defiant and attention seeking behaviors are reduced, peer relationships blossom, and the risk of unsafe behaviors during teenage years subsides. 

Here are some ways you can celebrate your children for who they and foster in them a healthier sense of self:

1. Celebrate the small acts. Rather than focusing on the end goal (getting an A), focus and compliment your children on their progress and the effort.
2. Tell children statements that foster their sense of self, such as:

Spending time with you makes me happy.

I love seeing your smiling face this morning.

I’m proud of you for who you are.

I love you no matter what.

You are so much fun to be with.

You bring a lot of joy to our family.

I am happy to share my life with you.

3. Fill your child’s emotional cup. Sometimes we get caught up in the rush and routine of everyday life and aren’t conscious about filling up our children emotionally. This means helping them feel loved, valued, accepted, and approved of. Spend one-on-one time with your child. Leave love notes in their lunchbox or on their pillow. Take a few extra moments for affection. Offer a hug. Give them a pat on the back when you pass by them. Smile when they enter the room and make eye contact. These simple things convey the message “you matter to me all the time.”
4. Speak appreciation for the everyday things your kids do that are kind, good, or helpful. We feel good when someone shows appreciation for the little things we do. How often do we tell our kids we appreciate that they put their toys away or fed the cat or shared with a sibling? Because we expect these things to occur, we usually only notice when they don’t. Make a habit of noticing the positive.

For more scenarios, please visit malafamily.org/what-is-gentle-parenting. Dr. Hasti Raveau is a child and family psychologist and the founder and owner of Mala Child and Family Institute. Mala’s mission is to support the mental and emotional health of children and families through high quality, evidence-based, holistic mental health services.