Q: My teen constantly complains that I micromanage them when it comes to school and homework. They say they “I’ve got it” but I’m worried if I don’t stay on top of them, they’ll be late or forget something important. How can I feel reassured without having the constant back-and-forth?

A: This is a very common issue between teenagers and their parents. Some teens benefit from an active approach from their parents. However, taking more of a backseat can be helpful for two reasons.

First, a lot of teenagers really do “have it”. They are motivated to meet due dates and get good grades, and they take pride in staying organized and being self-sufficient. They feel frustrated and even angry with what seems to them like constant questions about whether they have studied enough for a test or completed their homework. They question whether their parents think they are capable. Parents can show they care, and help them be independent, by asking their teen what sort of involvement would be helpful. It might be occasional check-ins or encouraging them to ask for support when they need it. Follow your teenager’s lead and discuss modifications if it becomes clear there are problems.

Second, important, life lessons come from natural consequences. If your teen crams for a test and receives a poor grade, they experience the direct consequence of procrastination. If they turn in a project late and get only partial credit, it is a lesson in planning and responsibility. If they are late to school or class too often, they face detention and have to rethink how they manage their time. None of these failures cause severe harm, and the consequences teach lessons and create opportunities to learn new habits.

No parent wants their child to fail. Having open communication and being available to sit down with your teen and revisit the level of monitoring and support they asked for and you agreed to are the keys to helping them grow emotionally and take responsibility.  And, remember to take opportunities to recognize progress and good results. The goal is to foster independence. Remember, you will not be going to their first job or college with them!

Kaitlin Arnold, LPC is the founder and therapist at Finding Your Balance Therapy. She helps individuals and families dealing with depression, anxiety, other mental health issues, and stressors from life challenges to develop positive coping skills, navigate and gain confidence in dealing with stressful situations, and improve their relationships.