How you feel in your relationship and how you feel about your partner comes down to how well you communicate. Here are four fundamental ways to improve your communication with your partner:

1. Identify the issue

What does the issue look like on the surface? Is this what is really activating the argument or is it something else? Hint: usually it’s not about the dishes or the laundry! Be curious, not defensive. You might not be able to talk through it all at once; it’s ok to take a break and come back to your partner.

2. Be an active listener

Are you hearing your partner, or listening to respond? If it’s the latter you need to reset. Can you repeat back what your partner said and ask for clarification? Great! You’re on the right track.

3. Clarify

Clarification allows you to better understand each other’s emotions, intentions, and motivations. Understanding fosters empathy, making it easier for people to see things from the other person’s perspective and find common ground. Try starting a sentence with “What I heard you say…”

4. Put it all together

Clearly communicate your needs. Make sure your partner understands what you need from your relationship and what’s important to you. Apologize and work on forgiveness.

All couples argue – it’s incredibly healthy to discuss your differences and what you need from your partner. What isn’t healthy is yelling or saying hurtful things that you cannot take back. Most of us have not be taught how to communicate in a meaningful way. You can work on these communication skills together. And remember, sharing appreciation for something your partner did or said can go a long way.

Sarah Watson is a licensed professional counselor and certified sex therapist who is highly passionate about helping individuals create their best self and providing couples the opportunity to develop communication and relationship skills. For more information, please visit: sarahwatsonlpc.com or follow her on Instagram @swsxtherapy