“Pressure creates diamonds” – I believe the purpose of the quote is to send a message that even through adversity, we can find strength, perseverance, and as a result, create something beautiful even through the “heat” of it all. I also believe that too much pressure can also cause unmanageable and unhealthy levels of stress, burn out, and to put it bluntly – misery.

No matter who you are or what your situation is in life, we are all faced with pressures in some capacity. Our family, work, and social lives constantly demand our energy, attention, and presence almost every second of our days, so the pressure is inevitable – but the question becomes – how can we make it more manageable?

As someone who has experienced this in my own life and have also seen it as an outsider with my clients and loved ones, I notice that we all tend to carry unrealistic expectations for ourselves in one capacity or another, often leading to that feeling of constant pressure and stress.

I don’t want to discount the idea that if managed well, pressure can energize and motivate us to perform, because I believe it can, but the request becomes, how do we identify it and then manage it better?

One question that has proven helpful in both increasing awareness around our stress and in helping manage it better is: “is the pressure I am feeling driven by a self-imposed standard or an external factor? i.e. am I putting this pressure on myself (Internal) or is this something that is expected of me from an outside party (External)?”.

Here are some examples of both:

Internal Pressures

• Personal expectations that are impossible to meet/making “should statements
• Negative internal dialogue/thinking
• Inability to cope with a sudden change or accepting when things go wrong
• Perfectionism/Rigidity
• A mindset that if you don’t completely succeed, you’re a failure

External Pressures

• Problems at work/school
• Difficulties in close relationships, with kids, etc.
• Major life changes, grieving a loss, etc.
• Financial difficulty
• Being overworked/overbooked with no time to yourself
• Health issues

So how do we identify what we are experiencing? It is important to remember that internal and external pressures can impact one another and are interrelated. External pressures, like work, can be affected by negative self-talk and internal pressures, like perfectionism, can make it more difficult to interact with your spouse. Ask yourself each of these questions honestly in the context of “is this coming from an internal expectation of myself or from an external expectation from someone or something else?”

• Are you functioning and working under conditions where the demand exceeds your realistic abilities? And are your goals/standards achievable and realistic?
• Are you doing things because you truly enjoy them or because you are trying to be impressive, look good, or earn praise?
• Is what you are doing out of habit or old patterns that are not relevant or realistic for your life anymore?
• Are boundaries needing to be set? What does that look like and how do you enforce them?
• Do you think you have to or should show up for everything and everyone, feeling the need to be perfect and constantly dependable?

If you can identify where this pressure is originating from, then you have more information as to how to tackle it. Internal pressures may require more self-motivated interventions like changing your thought patterns or managing trauma reactions, where external pressures may require different coping strategies like better communication or setting boundaries.

Here are some suggested adjustments that could be made:

• Prioritize and organize what is needed to complete a task/demand within your day and/or weeks
• Ensure that you are setting yourself up for success by creating reasonable and realistic timelines
• Delegate or triage to other appropriate parties when you can
• Advocate for yourself and ask for help
  • If the workload that your boss is asking you to complete requires 80 hours of work when you have 40 hours of time in a week, then it might be time to set up a meeting with your boss (this could be professional or the household bosses of spouses and kids too!) to advocate for yourself and ensure that the expectations are achievable and realistic, rather than causing you undue stress, which will lead to burnout – no doubt. If you are feeling the need to take care of the kids, complete household chores, work at least 40 hours a week, and find time for yourself, then maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself internally and you need to revise the expectations you are placing on yourself.
• Talk to your support system and see if they have guidance or reassurance they can provide
• Assess your limits, boundaries, stress levels, and self-care methods
• Ask yourself – “if I am not perfect or do it all, what does life look like? What will truly change?”
• Determine what is truly in your control
• Seek professional help from a therapist

I think the most important take away from this is that life is overwhelming at its baseline and we all deal with pressures of many kinds. The more that we can talk openly about it, increase our insight and awareness, practice better coping mechanisms and self-care, and reach out for help when we need it, professionally or otherwise, these stressors can be managed and do not always have to be parasitic in our lives. Focus on what you are struggling with, what you need, what you can control, and seek out support. The less stress we have, the healthier we can be as individuals, as families, which all supports a healthier community.

Rachel Goldberg, LMSW uses a collaborative approach to help her clients feel more in control, secure, and at ease in their lives. She sees teens, adults, and families and specializes in working with medical professionals who are contending with stress/burn out and communication issues. She can be reached at 313.351.4347 or rachelgoldbergpsychotherapy@gmail.com