Grief hurts and there is no roadmap. Answers do not lie in a logical process. The often referred to five stages from work by Elizabeth Kubler Ross were always meant to apply to stages of dying not grieving. Answers do not lie in our cultural approach which seems predicated on grief as an aberration, a detour from normal and something to get over. But grief is not a means to an end, not a temporary condition, not like a milk carton with an expiration date.

Grief is as individualized and personal as our love for another itself; every life, every path is unique.

And if our love was abiding and strong, so is our grief, and that has no time limit. Regardless of whether it has been a week or years, IT JUST HAPPENED.

Given that there is no atlas of the heart to guide us, what are some truths we can take on our grief journey?

• If I did not love so deeply, I would not grieve so intensely.
• I must look through the lens of my attachment and love, not just my loss.
• Would my loved one want my grief to define me or the love we shared to define us?

So, what are these gifts of grief that can sustain us on this journey?

First Gift: Compassion for Self

Grief brain is real. In intense grief, our prefrontal cortex, responsible for executive function, is shut down. At the same time the brain’s limbic system, responsible for survival functioning, is on high alert. The brain is rewired in grief to a condition of chronic stress.

It is important to anticipate and work with the effects of the brain’s new condition. Brain fog, lack of concentration, blurred judgment and flawed decision making all are normative.

As stress increases, the body keeps the score and our immune system is weakened, our appetite and sleep are negatively affected.

Our emotions are over wrought particularly when the grief of the heart tries to absorb practical confusing matters such as death certificates, estate issues, tax reporting and a dozen transitional challenges. The additional matter of trying to somehow take over the role of our loved one on multiple daily tasks is an unexpected and humbling occurrence that only further depletes our emotional capacity.

Given this assault on all aspects of our life, what does the gift of compassion for self, look like? Acceptance, patience and even pampering are required to create the space needed for grief work.

An example of this intentional and kind self-care could be how we organize a new regimen to prepare for a good night’s sleep:

• All screens off 11/2 hour prior to sleep
• Letting go ritual such as a guided meditation
• Pampering ritual such as a bath
• Repeat sleep hygiene practice daily

Second Gift: The Power of Choice…”Being here now”

Victor Frankl said, “Everything can be taken from a person, but one thing…the last of the human freedoms:  the right to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances…choose one’s way.”

If we allow our grief to choose our mood for us, the yearning, the all- encompassing strength of grief can easily result in an isolation, followed by a gathering depression. A choice we can make is to engage with our grief and in doing so beginning to see grief as a visitor. It is like the Billie Holiday song “Good Morning Heartache” which ends with “Good Morning Heartache, sit down.”

Being present for our emotions is the key to making choices. If we frame all of our feelings as signals, we begin to pay attention to the context of what that emotion is signifying, what is underneath it. When we pay attention, we can easily find the appropriate options. Some keep an emotions diary to explore these contexts.

One of our choices involves how to set boundaries around people. While grief needs a witness, the platitudes and dismissals of others just at the moment we need support can feel like abandonment. People mean well, but often the support is meant to make us feel better or fix us.  Some identify a short list of those that they feel emotionally safe with and invest their time with those who can bear witness in true empathy.

Some will utilize the person they are grieving as the one whom they feel emotionally safe with…a great way of engaging with grief while staying present:

What would ______say?

What would _____do?

Third Gift: Connection…Forming Continuing Bonds 

Through the engagement with our grief, we validate the legacy for our loved one. The most exciting new understanding of grief is how the formation of continuing bonds can transform our lives.

We can frame our lives in the sense that we are representing our loved ones by taking them with us as we initiate and participate in family affairs and rituals.

We can do this in a variety of ways. Some embody this by taking forward purposeful legacies with a foundation or a cause. We might identify two or three qualities our loved ones exhibited and take these qualities forward by emulating them and reflecting their qualities in our own lives.

Another means of creating continuing bonds is to make ongoing day-to-day rituals and familiarities that keep our loved ones near. It might be a transitional object like the small leather mittens that remind a husband of his partners exquisitely small hands. Or the woman who always enjoyed the end of the day sharing of the day’s events with her partner at twilight.  She still has a drink and a sit down with her spouse on most nights.

Some engage with their loved one through journaling or any number of expressions of grief and love. Some may seek clarity or try to resolve questions or concerns and write and share a letter with their loved one. All of these forge a sacred bond that ensures that the connection lives on as they carry it forward.

Gift Four: The Courage to Seek Help

Trauma is sometimes called the disorganizing twin of grief. Trauma resides in a non-verbal part of the brain and has a lurking presence that causes anxiety and promotes our attempts to control people, places, and things in hypervigilance. When it is unexamined and not engaged with, trauma in grief can get us stuck.

For the first time, the dialectical statistical manual of disorders has cited complicated grief, and particularly prolonged grief disorder, as a condition that affects almost ten percent of those who suffer losses. This is characterized by numbing our emotions, feeling hopeless about the future, anger, and bitterness about the death and avoiding reminders of the loss.

The good news is that there are evidence-based therapeutic treatments for complicated grief and insurance will pay for a share of that expense.

Whether the issue is trauma, or a host of other challenges, as problems shared with an appropriate professional or non-professional source move us back into the journey of focusing on the love, we take forward rather than just the loss that returns us to pain.

Gift Five: Finding meaning…Living to good purpose under all conditions

Grief is an assault on our identity. Who are we without our loved one? We co-created the meaning of our relationship, but we learn in grief that we can continue to find meaning as we take the relationship forward. Because we have been open to all the emotions and pain in our grief… Because we have taken our loved ones with us… Because we have had the resilience to be intentional and not just reactive to our grief, we can grow in our wisdom and connection to ourselves and others.

If you are looking for more grief resources, please refer to this recommended reading list: https://familycenterhelps.org/recommended-books-on-grief-work/

If you are seeking a grief group, Frank Wilberding facilitates one on the first and third Thursday of each month at The Helm. Visit helmlife.org or call (313) 882-9600.

Frank Wilberding is a clinical social worker and certified Hazelden trained addiction counselor in Grosse Pointe Park. Frank helps families with substance dependence, relationship dependence, grief and loss, trauma and attachment disorders, co-occurring disorders and more. He can be reached at 312.550.9876 or fdwilberding@gmail.com.