Anne Marie Bedard and Dr. Maria Jones

Have you ever found yourself hearing the lyrics of holiday songs and feeling uneasy? Maybe you’ve even wondered if something might be “wrong” with you because you’re experiencing a lot more tension than cheer? If so, you’re not alone. According to the American Psychological Association, 38% of people surveyed report feeling increased stress during the holidays. Changes in schedules; financial pressures of gift-giving; coping with continued fallout of the COVID pandemic; bad weather; cranky kids; gatherings with extended family; and many more seasonal demands can all converge, leading us to feel overwhelmed or even to dread the holidays.

Part of the problem we face around the winter holiday season is unrealistic expectations. Many of us hold fantastical internal images of this season, fueled by art, music, movies, and sometimes by our own memories. As a result, we tend to view the holidays as a time of warmth, security, excitement, and family joy. Inevitably the realities of day-to-day life fall short of this ideal, leading some of us to worry that maybe “everyone else” is happy while we’re having trouble getting into the spirit. In the context of chronic illness, job insecurity, or recent loss of a loved one, the idea that we’re supposed to be filled with wonder in December can lead to anxiety, enhancement of grief, or even depression.

So what can we do to bring our expectations more into line with reality, and to ease the pressures we tend to put on ourselves to feel wonderful even when our circumstances aren’t cooperating?

For many of us the answer may lie in redefining the holidays as a time to focus on self-care, spirituality, and social support. Meeting with close friends; taking time to pray, meditate, or engage in soothing hobbies; and volunteering can all shift the focus of the holidays from duty to contemplation, and to cultivation of gratitude for the elements in our lives that do bring us lasting joy year-round. A move from conspicuous spending and gift exchange to charitable giving can sometimes help to remind us that we already possess much of what we need, and that we have something to offer others even when we’re not feeling our best. Time off from work or school could be devoted to exercise, catching up on reading or crafts, or just spending some time outside, thinking about the beauty and wonder of nature. Touching base with friends we haven’t seen during the year, visiting family members who may be alone or less mobile, or even showering some extra love on our pets can help to make the season memorable in simple and meaningful ways.

Maybe most importantly, we need to give ourselves space and acknowledge who we are and where we are at this moment, with trust that happiness and sadness come and go but that no matter what’s going on in our lives at any given time, we are enough.

Dr. Maria Jones is a psychologist and owner of Bluetree Behavioral Health. Bluetree provides evaluation, therapy, caregiver coaching and consultation services of all ages, with a specialty in evaluating and treating school-age children with developmental differences, behavioral difficulties, and children on the autism spectrum. For more information, please visit: bluetreebh.com.